Choosing an Instrument and Fitting In

 

The school year is about to start for my four monsters children. Soon they will be back to learning math, ELA, social studies, science and all the other subjects we know and love. As is tradition for 4^th graders in many districts, my third child has the opportunity to choose an instrument for the coming school year as did her two older siblings.

I remember well how I chose the trumpet as my instrument going into 5^th grade.  After so many years of music class, with pictures of all the types of instruments on the walls, going to see the big kids play during assemblies a couple times a year, it was finally my time to join them.  I can’t really tell you why I picked the trumpet over all the other instruments. Maybe because it was loud and shiny.  Maybe it was because I saw Doc Severinsen leading The Tonight Show Band on nights I was able to stay up late to watch Johnny Carson (wow, I am really that old!) One thing I do remember is that many classmates made comments about how most of the woodwind instruments were for girls.  For some reason the saxophone was thought of as an instrument for both boys and girls.  Percussion and the trumpet were thought of as boys’ instruments. Since I didn’t have the confidence that I could hold the beat necessary for the percussion section, trumpet was my choice. I continued to play until the end of my sophomore year when my schedule made me choose between chorus and band (that story will have to be another post about the system and how adults tend to limit student choice if it doesn’t fit into the box of control also known as scheduling). I use “play” loosely as I didn’t put the effort into my instrumental career as I should have.  I definitely didn’t put the practice in to develop the “chops” as Mr. Bischilanni (I never could spell his name right) told me far too often. 

Now that I have kids of my own, on a similar journey, and better able to reflect, I can see why I didn’t put as much time into not only the instrument but many other endeavors.  My oldest tried to trombone close to two years ago.  He was so excited to try it and be in the band with so many of his friends. That excitement slowly turned to stress as he didn’t think he was any good. No matter what my wife and I did to encourage him, he just wasn’t having it. Of course, the year was cut short by the pandemic so that did not help in the least.  Instead of pushing him to stick with it, we let him make that final decision.  Last year his sister, decided to try the violin.  It was something she had talked about forever, even before she met her circle of friends that also decided to join the orchestra.  While she practiced much more often, I saw the same signs of stress as her brother showed and I felt way back when.  It made me wonder why.  Was it a Hughes curse?  Definitely not, as I have family members who are gifted musicians.

The conclusion I came to was this idea of fitting in and perfection. The choice of which instrument to play came down to what friends each of us had at the time and the idea that certain instruments were for certain people. When we are young, we don’t realize this is happening but when I look back it blows my mind, how so many decisions we make are about fitting in.  At an early elementary age, all we really care about is playing with other kids.  We don’t think about fitting in as little ones. But as we age from the primary grade levels to intermediate and then middle school, the pressure to fit in grows significantly. Maybe it’s just a coincidence, but our creativity and imagination also seem to fade during this period of growth.  Are we so worried about fitting in, we focus more on being what we think others want us to be instead of exploring what we really want to?  This focus seems to carry with many of us through the following decades until we reach an age where it’s more about being happy than fitting in. If we are truly going to open up the world to our children and allow them to learn and mature into well-rounded human beings, we need to knock down many of the structures and barriers that currently exist.  We must focus on each individual child to provide them a personalized learning path where they can use their voice and make choices that honor who they are and where they want to go.

Who's My Teacher

 

The letters finally came. After weeks of “are they here yet?” from my four children and trips to the mailbox, the #backtoschool letters have arrived. For my friends in other states, NY is the last to open with most districts doing so after the Labor Day weekend. While it is nice to have a longer summer, the #excitement to get back to school grows as our children in the Empire State see others on TV, from around the country, get on buses with their soon to be heavy backpacks.

As a parent and someone that is sadly a few decades removed from being a student, #welcomeback letters mean something very different. As most parents, my wife and I are interested in knowing which teachers our fearsome foursome will have for the new school year.  We hope that they get a teacher that will provide them with the learning they need, at just the right time, while also helping them #grow into #well-rounded and emotionally stable individuals. Parents place their faith in the local school system to make a difference in each child’s life despite the seemingly endless challenges facing educators and administrators. Add in the growing political discord and it can seem like an impossible task. Thankfully the vast majority of those working in every department of our schools, are willing to take on those challenges.

As for my children, they wanted to know who their teachers would be but each of them were more concerned with something else…who was going to be in their class.  As soon as letters hit mailboxes, the texts, Facebook posts and direct messages seemed to come in like a tidal wave that lasted most of the day.  Some parents made announcements in public social media posts while other reached out directly to the parents of their already established friends.

I guess I had forgotten how important it was to have friends already in class at the start of the school year but communication was a bit different back then. Instead of doing a group text or creating a Facebook post, we had to get on the rotary phone and call each friend’s home individually.  A few times we would get them on the first call, while other times it was a friend’s parent that we had to ask politely to speak with their child. And of course, there were tons of busy signals, especially if the family had multiple children all trying to use the one phone at the same time.

Within a couple hours, each of my elementary children knew that they would be with at least one friend to start the #firstday of new school year. It was time to rejoice! Then I overheard a couple of my children express worry about others that might be in the class.  Those that they may not get along with or even be bullied by. This all goes to show how important #connections are for our children.  Brain research shows us how the need to feel #safe must be met otherwise the stress and anxiety they experience will interfere with learning.  While many of the children might know each other, the most important thing we can do the #firstday and throughout the school year is to build #relationships. This must be done intentionally through #play, #collaboration and #learning activities. We can’t forget that learning is so much more than #content, it’s about getting to know and understand others.

 

 

The Little Mall Explorer

 

While many states are already welcoming student #backtoschool New York State is still a couple of weeks away. With some school shopping still to do, we took our four kids to the local outlets to find shoes. Each of them are as different as their shoe sizes.

I was doing the Dad thing sitting on a bench and waiting, when this little guy ran past me. He must have been about 3 and his expression was very different then most people shopping that day. He was laughing and smiling for no other reason than being able to run free. Being a parent I was a bit concerned that I did not see who he was with right away. Maybe 10 feet behind him was a little sister, clearly trying to keep up with him. She also wanted to stay close to her mom who was only a few steps away. The little brother continued on his #journey but every so often would turn to look over her shoulder to check to see if Mom and little sister were still there. This struck me for a couple of reasons.

First, the mother was not being irresponsible as I heard another quick to criticize shopper say to a spouse when passing by in the opposite direction. Mom was allowing him to #explore safely and follow his natural #curiosity. Second, he was also acting as a model for his little sister, letting her know if was safe to follow him as he called back to her every so often. What struck me most was that even though he was focused on #movingforward he continued to check that his mother was still there, a safe distance away. Isn't this how we should treat all our #children whether it's in #school or #play or #exploration in their own corner of this big world? By doing so we feed their #motivation to learn while providing them with the #comfort of a safe environment. #mentalhealth starts at a young age and it's up to us to #support #growth and curiosity in all their endeavors.