Connection Before Punishment

 

It’s impossible to escape the news in this age of data and information. It seems so much of what we hear and see is negative. Whether it’s political discord in DC or our state capitals, disagreements over mask mandates and vaccines, or what should and should not be taught in our schools. As a parent, it worries me how all this will impact my own children as they grow into adults. As an educator, I can’t help but wonder what affect all the negativity will have on our current students and those that will enter our schools in the future.

When we look back into our history, there has always been disagreements, large and small. The pandemic, and the effects it has had on our daily lives, have seemed to take it to a whole new level. So many are stressed and tired of the change that has been forced upon us by a virus we can’t see. The stress is even more evident when we start looking at data concerning our communities, families, and children. We see story after story regarding disagreements at school board meetings. The percentage of women in the job force has dropped significantly likely due to childcare issues caused by school closures and remote learning. Unemployment increased during the pandemic as businesses closed. While the businesses that did survive have mostly reopened, many workers are hesitant to return to the workforce. Employees that were able to work remotely, are preferring to stay remote instead of return to the office. A quick search pulls up documentation showing the dramatic rise in domestic violence and child abuse. It’s no wonder with so much stress and the growth of adverse child experiences (ACEs), we are also seeing an increase in student discipline issues in our schools. This brings us to a whole new problem to deal with that is unlike what we have seen before.

As a young teacher and principal, my first instincts were to immediately try and correct the poor decisions and actions of students with consequences. This was what I experienced as a student, so I thought that was the way to act. Far too many of the things we do in school are because that’s what we experienced as students or had mentors tell us to do. But there were those teachers that I worked with, that never seemed to have an issue in their classes.  It wasn’t because they were the scariest because there are always students not afraid of what might happen in school. Those students far too often experienced things outside of school far scarier and hurtful than any punishment a teacher of principal could assign. The teachers who were best able to connect with students were always the ones with the least discipline issues. During each of my years as a principal and Superintendent, I would look at discipline data to see which adults had the most and least discipline referrals. Without fail, those best at connecting with students, rarely had a discipline referral while those most focused on compliance or respect had the most.

With all the challenges and increased stress our students are experiencing in this pandemic world, our discipline focus should be on dealing with the root cause of an issue. While there are certainly times that severe consequences are necessary, such as when the safety of others is at risk, most can be met with understanding and empathy. As a school superintendent, I’ve heard appeals from parents and considered long-term suspensions. One question that I always ask those involved is what are we going to do to help the student make better decisions? When there is not a meaningful thought-out plan, then the recommended consequences are meant to exact punishment instead of a focus on growth. If we are going to alter the trajectory of children that need us most, we must put a system in place to create and monitor interventions with all parties involved. Creating ideas that help the student understand and determine their triggers, while providing skills to counter negative feelings and thoughts, is far more productive than putting the problem/child out of mind and hoping things will be different. With so many of our neighbors experiencing trauma like never before, changing the “normal way” of doing things might be uncomfortable and difficult, each child deserves our support and love.

 

Trip Down Memory Lane

 

In so many ways, how are brains truly work is still a mystery. In the last 20 years, neuroscience has advanced by leaps and bounds but we’ve barely scratched the surface. Our brains prefer to put us on autopilot as the sensory input is far greater than what we can pay attention. Ever drive home but don’t remember how you got there?  The brain takes over a task that it knows well while you daydream about something else. Then there are memories that pop in our heads at the most random times. Maybe it is something that we experienced in elementary school, in a previous job, or in a prior relationship.  The feelings we felt when the experience occurred come rushing back.

The more senses that are attached to a memory, the easier it is to recall.  Music is a very powerful mnemonic device. During our lives, music plays a very important part no matter how old we are. For those of Generation X, if Journey comes on you either become a small town girl, livin’ in a lonely world or just a city boy raised in South Detroit. I bet some of you started hearing the song in your head, right? Maybe it was song that brings back the thoughts of a first love.  Mix tapes anyone? The power of music on our feelings and memories is so potent that the right music during a memorable movie scene makes all the difference.  What would Jaws be without the “daaa da” or the Imperial March preceding the appearance of Darth Vader? Music quickly transports us back to attached memories and the feelings attached to them.

Smell also has the power to bring back memories. For some of us it might be the smell of fresh baked chocolate chips cookies our mom just took out of the oven. For others, it’s a perfume or cologne of a loved one. Every time I get a whiff of Brut, I can’t help but think of my grandfather who was more like a father.  Smells don’t have to be pleasant for them to have an impact on our memory.  If anyone has ever played hockey, had a child that played hockey or shared a room with a hockey player, there is nothing quite like the smell of practice worn hockey equipment.

For me, there are two very distinct smells that remind me of home.  I grew up in rural Wyoming County in Western New York. Most people think New York and picture NYC. That couldn’t be further from the truth.  When I was growing up, we had an Archway Cookie factory at one end of town. Depending on the day and the direction of the wind, you could tell whether they were baking peanut butter, chocolate chip or molasses cookies. Being in a small town with a large agriculture industry, the cows outnumbered the people.  If the wind blew the other way, the smell of cow manure, recently spread on the corn fields was just as easy to smell.  When I take my four children back to visit my hometown, the first comment sure to come from their mouths is, “What smells?” As strange as it might be, to them it stinks but to me it’s home. Anyone that grew up in the country near farmland probably feels the same way.

So why all this nostalgia about 80s music and the smell of manure? These are just a couple examples of triggers that can transport us to a different place and time.  Some triggers are good ones that conjure up positive memories and feelings. Some triggers have the opposite effect. Some triggers bring on feelings of anxiety, anger or quilt. These are the triggers we need to be aware of and work to counter. These negative triggers stop us from being vulnerable.  They stop us from living the lives we want and stop us from making connections with others. In a time where we are coming out a pandemic, see so much anger on TV and social media, connecting to others is more important than ever. We need to feel connected, but our children need to feel that connection. That connection can provide them with comfort, love, and a sense of certainty an uncertain world so they can grow into well-adjusted, emotionally intelligent humans.  By providing all children with a supportive environment, we create a positive legacy for the future.