How "They" Holds Us Back

 

Like many people, I will turn on the local and national news channels to see what is going on in our world. This habit likely started when I was young. After school each day, my brother and I would head to my maternal grandparents while my mom was working until after dinner. Dinner would take place around 6:00 pm. That meant that the TV in the kitchen was turned to the local news.  If we weren’t finished with dinner by 6:30, Dan Rather would come on next for the national news. I did pay attention even if I didn’t understand all that was being talked about. As it was the 80’s, there always seemed to be a story about the Soviet Union, how “they” were communists, and a threat to our way of life. Over the past 30 years the “they” has been replaced with Russia, China, terrorists, and many others.

I guess I never really thought about how far too often we refer to people that are different than us as “they”.  Our brains are wired to chunk information into more manageable pieces as a way to help us process and understand the constant bombardment of sensory information. We only pay attention to a small portion of all the sensory information that we are exposed to. If the sensory information is expected, we rarely pay attention to it.  Has anyone ever had the experience of driving home with time flying by until we pull into our driveway and realize we are home? Maybe you were planning to go somewhere out of the ordinary. Without thinking you turn onto the road that you would normally travel but in the opposite direction you really want to go. This all happens because our brain would prefer to be on autopilot.  It takes energy to think and make decisions.  Even the smallest decisions like what to eat for breakfast, what to wear, did I feed the dog, and so on require energy. This energy requirement is why the likes of Steve Jobs, Simon Cowell and others often wear the same outfits day after day.  Why waste time, energy and gray matter thinking about what to wear? It’s also the reason we place people and things into groups.

When we come across new sensory information, our brain wants to place it in categories or groups that we have already established through prior experiences. Each group has certain characteristics in common. How each person organizes what goes into each of the groups depends on what characteristics stand out to the individual. When we place someone in a group that we don’t include ourselves in, this is where the “they” comes into play.  We don’t identify with them so what could have been “us” instead becomes “they”.  One common example might be the fans of different sports team. If you are a Boston Red Sox fan, every fan of another team becomes “they”, especially if it’s the New York Yankees. Far too often, we make judgments about people we put in these other categories.  This might be fine when its fans of competing teams, but it becomes a problem when we make unfounded judgments just because of our differences.

It seems our country and world has become more obsessed with “those” that aren’t like us. If you are a Democrat, you are expected to think of Republicans as “those people” and vice versa. If you are worried about getting a COVID vaccine or wearing a mask, then anyone that does is one of “them.” The list can go on and on. This kind of thing happens in our schools. As an educator, I’ve had parents argue for their child while in the same breath say “those children” when referring to children in another elementary building.  The other elementary school just happened to be in a poorer part of town with an ENL population. I’ve had a couple teachers tell me they don’t want “those kids” in their class because they aren’t ready for such an advanced course.  I could never figure out what they meant by “those kids” or why the only way to get into certain courses is with a teacher recommendation.  Sadly, this seems to be happening more and more as each group looks to separate itself from any groups that are different all because different makes us uncomfortable.  Differences make us challenge who we are and why we believe what we believe.  Differences are only differences because we lack the understanding to see how we are all the same. Each of our stories might be different but we can’t isolate from “others”. We need to do the opposite. We must talk to and learn from “others” we consider different. We must listen to each other’s life and cultural stories and see one another for who we are. When that happens, there will be no more “they” or “those” or “others”.  There will just be us.

Here We Go Again

 

I was planning to write this on Sunday but was a bit distracted by the Bills vs. Steelers game. All of Bills Mafia was hopeful for an opening season win, but that did not happen. Like so many fans of the Bills and teams in other sports not used to winning, the high optimism for a Super Bowl trip was quickly tempered with thoughts of here we go again. Yes, this is only week one. Like most of us tend to do, we often temper our joy and excitement with thoughts of something going wrong as a kind of self-defense mechanism. Before I dive into that more, I need to give all those that aren’t Bills fans some background.

A number of NFL pundits have chosen the Bills to be contenders since they went to the AFC Championship last year.  The last time that happened was in 1993. Having grown up in rural Western New York, about 45 miles from Buffalo, my youth was flooded with the Bills and to a lesser extent the Sabres. When I was young, saying the Bills were bad would be an understatement.  That all changed when Jim Kelly, Bruce Smith, Andre Reed, Thurman Thomas and so many others came to town.  We all know the story.  The Bills went to four straight Super Bowls.  After losing the first one by a missed field goal (wide right anybody), they lost the next three badly.  When many of the Bills best players retired a few years later, the winning went with them. It would be another 20 years until the team made the playoffs. Despite all the hope that next year would be better, the return to losing had a psychological effect on most fans.

If you have read through the short history, you are probably asking yourself so what does this have to do with anything, no less education or children. I noted earlier that we often temper our expectations.  Even in moments of excitement and joy, many of us have thoughts that something bad must be coming.  As if the universe is going to make sure that we aren’t too happy or too confident.  When something bad happens, we think that there must be two more bad things coming as “bad things happen in threes.” We think this way because we are trying to protect our ego and feelings from pain and hurt. It’s almost as if we are trying to numb both the good and bad feelings so that neither ever get to one extreme or another. If we are really, really happy, our brain has learned that when something bad does happen, it will hurt that much more. What we don’t realize is, we are holding ourselves back from truly living.  We are holding ourselves back from taking chances and maybe pursuing a new endeavor or passion because we are concerned with being hurt maybe by disappointment, ridicule, or embarrassment.  What we don’t realize is we just might be modeling and passing on this defense mechanism to our children.

When we are young, we are excited by most everything. All the newness and curiosity propel us to ask questions and explore our environment. Nothing warms a heart more than seeing a smiling child.  We send our little ones off to school trusting they are in good hands. Mostly they come home excited to go back the next day.  As they age, they seem less and less excited about school.  They also start to worry what others think of them. School becomes less enjoyable for any number of reasons. One thing I have noticed during my years as a student, teacher, and administrator, us adults tend to temper their expectations, sometimes talking about how things will be in the “real world.” We fail to realize that many of our students already know how unkind the real world can be. Instead of being honest that we aren’t perfect, and failure is a normal part of life, we try to lower their expectations to try and protect them or maybe ourselves.  What we should be doing instead is telling them to give it their best effort, try again with some tweaks if the first time didn’t work, and keep on trying. Push them to chase their dreams even if it doesn’t go as planned and enjoy the journey with all it’s ups and downs. We are only here for a relatively short time, so we need to make the best of it for us and all those that follow.

Flashbacks to Middle School

 

The day has come…the first day of school.  This start to the school year feels very different than previous openings for a few reasons. It’s the first time in 42 years than I am not a part of the hustle and bustle as either a student or an educator. It’s different but I definitely am enjoying the new path (more on that some other time). Second, it’s the first time in two years that school is opening in a somewhat normal way.  Yes, we are still in a pandemic with mask mandates and adults arguing what’s best for their child, but most schools are back to their pre-pandemic schedules with buses full of students. I’ll write more about schools pre and post pandemic some other time, but today is about kids walking back into buildings, seeing old friends, making new friends, and building relationships with the teachers and staff.  The pandemic has been so long that my youngest child, entering 2^nd grade today, has never had a normal full year of school.  Her Kindergarten year was cut short in March of 2020 and a large chunk of 1^st grade was back and forth between hybrid and online learning into 2021. I hope beyond all hope that she and all other children can have a truly rememberable year of personal growth with support and kindness from all those around them.

The big difference for this year is a bit more personal as my oldest is starting middle school. As parents, we all go through this change. Where did the time go?  How is my baby so tall and grown up? Am I really that old? Some of us are then transported back to our time in middle school. The fashion of the day like Bugle Boy jeans, rolled pant legs, boat shoes, and some of the hairstyles, which might have included big hair due to all the ozone destroying hairspray. Like so many of us, I look back and just shake my head in disbelief.  We were at the age where we thought we knew everything but were oh so clueless. 

As a former middle school principal, I can tell you the research is all true.  Children lose half their minds during the middle school years as they mutate from kids into tweens then teens. Besides their bodies beginning to go through so many changes, their brains go through a reorganization process with significant growth that doesn’t stop developing into their early 20s, especially for males. I’m sure there is a joke in there about why guys take so long to mature and that their brains never reach full development.  My wife would likely agree with you.  

As adults, we don’t really like change. We might want things to be different but seldom what the change to happen to us. Change creates uncertainty which in turn creates stress. We are evolutionarily wired to make sense out of the onslaught of sensory information and uncertainty around us thereby turning uncertainty into a semblance of controlled chaos all to make us feel better.  For middle school students, uncertainty is the name of the game. They are trying to figure out the world around them and inside them despite all the changes their bodies and brains are experiencing.  The smiling child we knew previously is now replaced with a grumpy teenager.  Don’t believe me?  If you look through old school and family pictures, you can find the exact point in time the changes started to occur. The former smile transforms to a look of disgust for having to take a picture, usually followed by an exclamation of WHAT?!?

Even though I understand and can appreciate the normal maturation process still to come, I have hopes for this school year and the others yet to come. I hope that each child will find support and affirmation from the adults around them, to grow their understanding of the world around them but to also feed their creative and critical thinking. I hope that each child has or finds at least one close friend to share both the fun and anxious times that are sure to come.  I hope that each child explores who they are, how they feel and what brings them joy.  Finally, I hope that each child will be able to look back and smile as they remember this part of their journey to becoming who they will ultimately be.