Connection Before Punishment

 

It’s impossible to escape the news in this age of data and information. It seems so much of what we hear and see is negative. Whether it’s political discord in DC or our state capitals, disagreements over mask mandates and vaccines, or what should and should not be taught in our schools. As a parent, it worries me how all this will impact my own children as they grow into adults. As an educator, I can’t help but wonder what affect all the negativity will have on our current students and those that will enter our schools in the future.

When we look back into our history, there has always been disagreements, large and small. The pandemic, and the effects it has had on our daily lives, have seemed to take it to a whole new level. So many are stressed and tired of the change that has been forced upon us by a virus we can’t see. The stress is even more evident when we start looking at data concerning our communities, families, and children. We see story after story regarding disagreements at school board meetings. The percentage of women in the job force has dropped significantly likely due to childcare issues caused by school closures and remote learning. Unemployment increased during the pandemic as businesses closed. While the businesses that did survive have mostly reopened, many workers are hesitant to return to the workforce. Employees that were able to work remotely, are preferring to stay remote instead of return to the office. A quick search pulls up documentation showing the dramatic rise in domestic violence and child abuse. It’s no wonder with so much stress and the growth of adverse child experiences (ACEs), we are also seeing an increase in student discipline issues in our schools. This brings us to a whole new problem to deal with that is unlike what we have seen before.

As a young teacher and principal, my first instincts were to immediately try and correct the poor decisions and actions of students with consequences. This was what I experienced as a student, so I thought that was the way to act. Far too many of the things we do in school are because that’s what we experienced as students or had mentors tell us to do. But there were those teachers that I worked with, that never seemed to have an issue in their classes.  It wasn’t because they were the scariest because there are always students not afraid of what might happen in school. Those students far too often experienced things outside of school far scarier and hurtful than any punishment a teacher of principal could assign. The teachers who were best able to connect with students were always the ones with the least discipline issues. During each of my years as a principal and Superintendent, I would look at discipline data to see which adults had the most and least discipline referrals. Without fail, those best at connecting with students, rarely had a discipline referral while those most focused on compliance or respect had the most.

With all the challenges and increased stress our students are experiencing in this pandemic world, our discipline focus should be on dealing with the root cause of an issue. While there are certainly times that severe consequences are necessary, such as when the safety of others is at risk, most can be met with understanding and empathy. As a school superintendent, I’ve heard appeals from parents and considered long-term suspensions. One question that I always ask those involved is what are we going to do to help the student make better decisions? When there is not a meaningful thought-out plan, then the recommended consequences are meant to exact punishment instead of a focus on growth. If we are going to alter the trajectory of children that need us most, we must put a system in place to create and monitor interventions with all parties involved. Creating ideas that help the student understand and determine their triggers, while providing skills to counter negative feelings and thoughts, is far more productive than putting the problem/child out of mind and hoping things will be different. With so many of our neighbors experiencing trauma like never before, changing the “normal way” of doing things might be uncomfortable and difficult, each child deserves our support and love.

 

Trip Down Memory Lane

 

In so many ways, how are brains truly work is still a mystery. In the last 20 years, neuroscience has advanced by leaps and bounds but we’ve barely scratched the surface. Our brains prefer to put us on autopilot as the sensory input is far greater than what we can pay attention. Ever drive home but don’t remember how you got there?  The brain takes over a task that it knows well while you daydream about something else. Then there are memories that pop in our heads at the most random times. Maybe it is something that we experienced in elementary school, in a previous job, or in a prior relationship.  The feelings we felt when the experience occurred come rushing back.

The more senses that are attached to a memory, the easier it is to recall.  Music is a very powerful mnemonic device. During our lives, music plays a very important part no matter how old we are. For those of Generation X, if Journey comes on you either become a small town girl, livin’ in a lonely world or just a city boy raised in South Detroit. I bet some of you started hearing the song in your head, right? Maybe it was song that brings back the thoughts of a first love.  Mix tapes anyone? The power of music on our feelings and memories is so potent that the right music during a memorable movie scene makes all the difference.  What would Jaws be without the “daaa da” or the Imperial March preceding the appearance of Darth Vader? Music quickly transports us back to attached memories and the feelings attached to them.

Smell also has the power to bring back memories. For some of us it might be the smell of fresh baked chocolate chips cookies our mom just took out of the oven. For others, it’s a perfume or cologne of a loved one. Every time I get a whiff of Brut, I can’t help but think of my grandfather who was more like a father.  Smells don’t have to be pleasant for them to have an impact on our memory.  If anyone has ever played hockey, had a child that played hockey or shared a room with a hockey player, there is nothing quite like the smell of practice worn hockey equipment.

For me, there are two very distinct smells that remind me of home.  I grew up in rural Wyoming County in Western New York. Most people think New York and picture NYC. That couldn’t be further from the truth.  When I was growing up, we had an Archway Cookie factory at one end of town. Depending on the day and the direction of the wind, you could tell whether they were baking peanut butter, chocolate chip or molasses cookies. Being in a small town with a large agriculture industry, the cows outnumbered the people.  If the wind blew the other way, the smell of cow manure, recently spread on the corn fields was just as easy to smell.  When I take my four children back to visit my hometown, the first comment sure to come from their mouths is, “What smells?” As strange as it might be, to them it stinks but to me it’s home. Anyone that grew up in the country near farmland probably feels the same way.

So why all this nostalgia about 80s music and the smell of manure? These are just a couple examples of triggers that can transport us to a different place and time.  Some triggers are good ones that conjure up positive memories and feelings. Some triggers have the opposite effect. Some triggers bring on feelings of anxiety, anger or quilt. These are the triggers we need to be aware of and work to counter. These negative triggers stop us from being vulnerable.  They stop us from living the lives we want and stop us from making connections with others. In a time where we are coming out a pandemic, see so much anger on TV and social media, connecting to others is more important than ever. We need to feel connected, but our children need to feel that connection. That connection can provide them with comfort, love, and a sense of certainty an uncertain world so they can grow into well-adjusted, emotionally intelligent humans.  By providing all children with a supportive environment, we create a positive legacy for the future.

October Celebrations

 

The month of October is a special one in my extended family. Besides Halloween, a seemingly large proportion of my family were born during the month. My maternal grandmother and mother were born three days apart but in very different years of course. My closest cousin was born two days before my birthday.  My birthday isn’t just mine but is shared with a great aunt, a first cousin and a second cousin.  Then there is my third child, Keira.  She was born on Friday the 13^th.  A comparison to the horrors associated with such a date could be a reach expect she truly is her own person.  Let me translate that for all the non-parents out there…she gives me a run for my money, and she is still only in 4^th grade.

As parents we expect all our children to be somewhat different, but it astonishes me that my four are so very different despite sharing similar DNA.  My only son, Evan, is the oldest. He has many of the traits that the oldest child often has in families.  He’s a bit cautious because as new parents we were worried about breaking him.  He also tends to try and be the boss. I’m sure it’s just from being the oldest and has nothing to do with his father being a school administrator and superintendent for more than 15 years. Typically, the first born is a type A overachiever, focused on good grades and pleasing his/her parents.  Well, he does well for himself, but that Type A personality trait skipped him and went to his younger sister and my eldest daughter.  Maybe it’s the new middle schooler in him.

Jenna is a go getter.  I thought I pushed myself but she is at a different level.  She takes her studies seriously because she wants to be a Supreme Court Justice like Ruth Bader Ginsburg. She’s also very social, making and keeping friends easily. She is helpful at home and tends to act like a little version of her mother, all in good ways. When our other two daughters were born, she was the big helper, especially for our youngest, Kenzi. Kenzi is almost three years younger so maybe Jenna thought of her as a real-life doll.

Kenzi as the youngest absorbed all the doting behavior from her siblings.  She learned very quickly she could get her siblings to do things for her.  While they finally did catch on to her mild manipulation, she still gets away with more than anyone else.  Ahh, the classic baby of the family syndrome. She now uses humor as a way to get attention and her way.  And to be honest, she makes me laugh when I don’t want to let her know she is funny. From an early age she was our little terror.  As a toddler, she made a face that looked like a Chucky doll.  Because we laughed, she kept making the face until it got to the point we dressed her up as Chucky for Halloween.  The picture attached to this blog post is when she was just over three years old.

This brings me back around to our crazy Keira.  All our children are their own person, but she takes it to a whole new level. She’s an original in so many ways.  While most kids at a young age might be obsessed with being an astronaut or police officer or doctor, Keira’s first choice was to be a WWE wrestler like Ronda Rousey. She can be a princess but rough and tumble at the same time.  When us adults exercise, our face tends to tell then story of how much fun we aren’t having.  Watch kids when they run, and you will often see a smile.  She still smiles ear to ear as she runs around the karate studio or during gym class. Who else will work on their Chromebook while hanging upside down? That’s our Keira.

As our kids grow, we worry about them and what they will become.  We worry about the decisions we make and whether we are doing a good job as parents.  Despite there being a ton of books on parenting and everyone willing to give their opinion, we really are just trying to figure it out as we go.  The same thing happens to us educators.  We constantly reflect on if we are making a difference, how to reach that distant child, or whether we are doing the right thing. The struggle is far greater now as we are still dealing with a pandemic that has caused trauma for so many. But then our children give us signs that we are doing right by them.  They say thank you, I love you or give us a hug out of nowhere. They bring up memories from things we did together that show the impact we have had on their lives.  And there are the times they create something for us.  Maybe it’s a picture, homemade card, even a story they make just for us.  Those of the gifts I love best.  For my recent birthday, Jenna made me a collage of pictures she put together.  The pictures were of different family members including me being goofy dad. Her collage gave me a small glimpse of how she sees me through her own eyes. It also gave me a glimpse that I’m doing alright as a dad and that’s the best gift any of us that have or work with children could ever ask for.

A Special Gift

 

October is here.  As my four kids remind me daily, Halloween is only four weeks away. Based on their excitement, it seems that it’s tomorrow. For many, Halloween is the start of the holiday season. Thanksgiving follows a few weeks later with Christmas and other celebrations soon thereafter.  Of course, the big box stores are telling us that it might already be the giving season.  That got me thinking about giving and gifts.

Giving and gifts can mean so many different things.  For our children, Halloween is an expedition to find the house that gives out full size candy bars. My kids know that there will be a Dad tax levied on their candy bounty so they plot to hide it before I can get to it. In our house, the Fall is also the start of the birthday cycle.  Every two months, one of our four children have a birthday. With their birthdays being so close to Christmas, each often creates a birthday and Christmas wish list starting in August. My wife and I are fortunate that we can provide our children with some of the gifts they desire but we truly focus on different types of giving.

Giving of one’s time doesn’t cost us anything but can make a huge difference.  Volunteering to a local charity or organization allows us to help our neighbors.  With the pandemic now affecting a third school year, many are feeling isolated and missing the connection with others. Sometimes the greatest gift we can give someone is simply to include them. This might be a relative, a neighbor or a child dealing with trauma and uncertainty caused and/or increased by the pandemic.

Giving our time to others might not seem like much.  Time is what it takes to build relationships and connections. I might be biased, but there is no group of people that give so freely of their time than educators do. Educators are not only teachers, but everyone that can make an impact in the life of a child. The good ones among us know that what we teach is not as important as how we teach and connect with our students. It includes spending time to get to know each of our students, to see them for who they are, and to provide them with opportunities to grow beyond their current understanding of the world. My youngest was given a gift from an educator that I must share.

The most important thing a parent can do is to spend time with their children. It doesn’t really matter what they do together but that the child feels safe and connected to the parent. I grew up in a single parent household.  My mother did the best she could but not having my father in my life truly affected me.  After the birth of each of my children, I’ve always worried if I am being the father they deserve as I didn’t have a role model.  One thing I’ve tried to do is spend one on one time with each child. This has turned into either going on an overnight trip or doing something fun together. My three oldest were able to make choices pretty quickly but my youngest, she is very different. She is a sweet and funny second grader but has the attitude you would expect of the baby in the family, just bigger. Recently, she told us about an exhibit about Vincent Van Gogh.  In the Beyond Van Gogh exhibit, his paintings come to life. She calls him “Mr. Van Gogh” and told us she had to go.  She learned about Van Gogh in art class from her teacher, Mrs. Quinn.  She seemed excited so how could I refuse some one on one time?

This past Saturday we went all by ourselves. As we entered, they scanned our tickets and told us about the three rooms to come.  I decided that she had to take the lead on where and when she wanted to move. The first room was a winding gallery about his life, but she didn’t seem too interested.  The second room was a waterfall of his paintings projected onto the wall and floor.  As she stood in front of me, I watched her look around. For a child that tends to constantly be on the move, she stayed in one spot seemingly absorbing the color and sounds. After almost 10 minutes, she told me it was time to move to the last room.  This final large room was filled with constantly changing colors from his paintings. She started pointing out paintings she recognized from class, told me what ones she liked best and asked what I thought. I watched my littlest one transform before my eyes as she interacted with the colors all around her. She chased images of flowers and got up close to paintings that she connected with. We took a seat on a bench, not saying anything, but enjoying the experience and time together. Even though we sat there for a quite some time, when she told me it was time to go, it all seemed so short.

I started this post talking about giving. In our capitalistic society, our minds quickly go to what to request or buy. Sometimes the gifts we receive are unexpected.  An art teacher gave my child a gift of love for “Mr. Van Gogh”. What she didn’t realize, she also gave a priceless gift that one Dad will never forget. Thank you, Mrs. Quinn, for being the teacher all students deserve.